Bad Match or Just a Rough Patch?

Maybe the only thing the two of you can agree on lately is that you argue all the time. Or perhaps you’re just not feeling as connected as you once did. Maybe underlying trust/intimacy/fill-in-the-blank issues are creating more and more tension.

When a new relationship is struggling, it’s not always easy to figure out what to do. Is this just a rough patch you need to get through together? Or is it time to cut your losses and move on in separate directions? When you’re in a spot like this, you basically need to confront two main possibilities. One is that you’re simply in the wrong relationship: your issues are insurmountable and will never allow you to have the fulfilling relationship you deserve. The other possibility is that you’re in the right relationship but it’s going to take real maturity, compromise and good old hard work to move past the issues that have surfaced. Let’s look more closely at each option.

Time to Move On – Separately
A good relationship is one in which both partners feel cared for, supported and respected. Consideration and appreciation are also vital. A healthy partnership is made up of mature individuals who make every effort to show their love and not take each other for granted. If you’re not experiencing these positive emotions consistently, then that’s a strong sign that you’re in the wrong relationship.

The problem may be that your partner simply isn’t the right person for you. Maybe he or she has issues that need to be dealt with irrespective of you. He or she may need to get healthy as an individual before an intimate relationship is even a possibility. But regardless of the reason, if your partner isn’t able or willing to offer the care, support, respect and happiness you deserve, then that means it’s time for you to move on. Here are some questions you need to ask yourself:
1. Have you become aware of substantial character flaws or red flags that signal that your significant other isn’t capable of being relied on as a true partner?
2. Are you not being treated like you know you should be?
3. Do you feel like your needs aren’t being met, even when you explicitly express them?

Do your best to be completely honest with yourself as you think about these questions. You may determine that your partner is actually the kind of companion you want to continue to share your life with but you might determine just the opposite. The point is that there are times when you should be willing to call a spade a spade. And if you know that the person you’re seeing can’t (or won’t) help you create the kind of relationship you want then it’s time to find someone else who can and will.

Time to Move On -Together
You two may just be going through some growing pains as your relationship matures and you get to know each other and discover new ways of relating together. Or maybe certain life circumstances are impacting you; after all, stress can shake up even the best of relationships. It’s important to keep in mind that there are going to be struggles in any partnership.

And if you both still believe in your relationship, you can use these difficult times as opportunities to deepen and strengthen your connection, so that you each improve the ways you communicate and deal with conflict. One problem couples often face is that they believe that being in a relationship is ultimately about the thrill and excitement of being in love.

So when the tough times come, they assume that their relationship is over. But as anyone who’s been in a successful long-term relationship will tell you, those feelings of excitement come and go. What creates a deeper, more fulfilling relationship is a willingness to work hard to create a strong foundation, and then to build on it so that you experience a loving connection that’s much deeper than those early feelings of excitement. And the way you create and build upon that foundation is to develop fundamental relationship skills.

Your ability to communicate, trust, compromise, establish intimacy, and support each other form the foundation for any intimate relationship. If you haven’t developed these skills, then not only will it be tough to make your current relationship successful, but you’ll have a hard time making future ones work as well.

So the issue is whether your relationship has the potential to become what you want it to be. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Are there enough positives about the relationship to justify the effort required to maintain and strengthen it?

2. Are both you and your partner willing to put in the work necessary to develop and improve your relationship?

3. Will you both be patient and giving with each other as you work through the issues?

What will it take to get your relationship from where it is, to where you want it to be?

If you determine that either you or your partner is unwilling or unable to make the changes necessary to create a fulfilling and healthy partnership, then it’s going to be hard to maintain the relationship’s strength and vitality, much less help it improve in any truly significant way. However, if the problems you two are experiencing can be solved by communication, dedication, sacrifice, understanding, and patience, then this is no time to give up.

Is There One Perfect Person for Me?

Dear Dr. Warren,

Do you think everyone has a “soul mate” out there somewhere, that individual who can complement you and fulfill you like no one else? Is there just one person who is ideally suited for me?

-Jessica, AL

Surprisingly, many singles hold to the notion–either consciously or subconsciously–that there is one perfect, preordained partner. They were made for each other, the thinking goes, and they must simply locate this person or forever feel incomplete. This thinking is fueled by many Hollywood love stories in which a man and woman are united after a series of near misses and obstacles. At long last, they gaze deeply into each other’s eyes and embrace, usually amidst the swell of violins playing in the background or fireworks exploding overhead. And they know without a doubt that they–the two of them and only the two of them–were meant to be together.  

Frankly, I think this idea is more fantasy than reality, more storybook whimsy than real-world wisdom. I don’t believe that you could only be completely and blissfully happy with one person to the exclusion of all others. Before you call me unromantic and cold-hearted, let me hasten to say this should come as great news to singles looking for a partner. After all, I hear dozens of singles every week complain about how hard it is to find a suitable partner. And if there is just one individual waiting for you out there in the wide world, the search for each other could take a very long time. If, however, there is not a “one and only” partner, a whole range of possibilities opens up. How did I come to conclude that the soul mate scenario is a fallacy?

During my 35 years as a psychologist, I have counseled dozens of men and women who were convinced they’d married “the wrong person,” but then went on to create a top-notch relationship. Of course, I’ve also counseled many engaged or newlywed couples who were absolutely positive they had found their soul mate only to file for divorce a few months or years later. What’s more, I’ve worked with hundreds of people whom I knew could have been happily married to any number of people.

Perhaps most importantly, an extensive research study completed by eHarmony.com revealed why some relationships succeed and others don’t. This study examined five thousand married persons and especially two hundred couples who had “highly successful” marriages. We found that there are 29 characteristics–including religious values, ambition, energy level–that determine a couple’s “compatibility quotient.” That is, the more two partners match on these critical qualities, the better their chances of staying happily married. If a man and woman match on a preponderance of the characteristics, it’s highly likely that they will have a terrific marriage.

One, Five, or Five Hundred Possible Partners? A few months ago, I was talking with a couple of my staff members, Audrey and Mike, who are both in their late twenties. I posed the question, “How many people in the world do you think you could be happily married to?” Audrey thought for a moment and then replied, “Five. I think there are about five men out there who match exceptionally well with me.” I couldn’t resist giving her a good-natured jab. “There are approximately 40 million single men in the U.S., and you could be happily married to just five of them? Wow, you are particular!” She gave me a punch in the shoulder, and I turned to Mike. “Well, then, how about you, Mike? How many people could you be happily married to?” “Fifty,” he said immediately. “I bet I could marry any one of fifty different women and be extremely happy.” They both looked at me and I said, “I think you’re both selling yourselves short. I suppose there are 500–probably more–women with whom I could be extremely happily married.” “That many, Neil?” Audrey said. “Seems like you aren’t particular enough.”

I reminded them of the study we conducted. “Out of all the women in the world, there must be at least 500 with whom I would match on all 29 items. And there are probably thousands more I’d match with on, say, 26 or 27 items and still be quite satisfied.” As I told my associates, I believe soul mates are made, not born. You start with the ingredients for a highly-compatible, successful relationship, and then you work to develop closeness and intimacy. Does this mean you lower your standards when it comes to finding a partner? Absolutely not! It simply means you “expand your field of vision.”

How to Fight First-Date Fatigue

In a recent interview, Grammy winner and former “American Idol” Kelly Clarkson was asked about her love life.  “Man, I just keep going on horrible dates,” she answered. “I’m like, ‘There’s not enough wine in the world for me to enjoy this.’ I actually had a guy say to me . . . “I can’t believe I’m on a date with Kelly Clarkson.’ And under my breath I was like, ‘Wow, I can’t either.’ Some days I think, ‘I’ll meet him. Everybody finds somebody,’ and other days I’m like ‘Maybe I won’t. Maybe I missed the memo.”

Can you relate? For some singles, the words “first date” fill them with excitement and anticipation; others are filled with anxiety, even dread. As one single man said recently, “I’m so sick of first dates. I’ve been on five in the past two months, and they’re exhausting. You usually have to make small talk and run through all the same information again and again. But of course you have to go through a first date to see if it’ll turn into a second and third.”

That is the crux of the matter: A first date is necessary to determine if more dates are called for to further explore possibilities, especially since those possibilities might lead to a truly fantastic relationship. Not to sound like a fortune cookie, but it’s true that “Every long, glorious journey begins with one decisive step.” If you are feeling worn out and discouraged from a string of dead-end first dates, it’s time to regroup and retool your approach. Start with these ideas:

Take care of yourself. The analogy says that “dating is a marathon, not a sprint.” If that’s true, then you need to be intentional about maintaining your physical and mental health for the trek. These days, nearly everyone feels chronically stressed out, stretched thin, and sleep deprived. So when it’s Friday night and time for your date, you may prefer to put on your sweats and crash on the couch for the evening—instead of trying coax a little more energy from your empty tank. By taking good care of yourself, you’ll have some pep and enthusiasm when date night arrives.

Ease the pressure. Singles are often frustrated by their dates because they have sky-high expectations. Pressure mounts when you forget that a date is only dinner and a movie in the company of someone who may or may not be very interesting. Your dates will be far less stressful if your intent is simply to have fun–and if that fun date turns into something more, then that’s all the better. 

Get more information beforehand. It could be that first dates are draining and disappointing because you don’t know enough in advance about the person you’re going out with. A little more time on the phone or a few more email exchanges would help you determine if you and the other person would enjoy a full evening out together.

Bow out gracefully - if you know the first date will be the last. Yes, you want to give every date a chance—and, yes, some new relationships take a while to warm up. But if you’re positive you wouldn’t want a second date, why waste more time and energy? With as much tact and respect as possible, suggest that you cut the date short.

Refuse to give up. After several uninspiring dates, you may want to throw up your hands and take a long hiatus. But it doesn’t take a genius to know you’re not going to find the person of your dreams unless you keep looking. Simply put, there’s no reason you can’t find the love of your life if you hang in there, keep going, and stay persistent. If you want to dramatically increase your chances of finding a wonderful partner, start by deciding not to give up. Believe the best about yourself, and always believe that a great partner is searching for you, too.

Nine Things Men Wish Women Knew

Our friends at Shape.com posed an interesting question to some real guys: What do you wish women knew about men?  They checked in with 14 guys ages 19 to 56—everyone from doctors to NFL players and music industry stars. Here’s what they had to say.

1. Time Flies When You’re a Man

“There is ‘man time’ and ‘woman time.’ For men, time goes by faster than for women. Einstein tried to explain this with his theory of relativity and I think it was all about trying to get along with his wife. So, the next time a guy doesn’t call or text a girl back right away or it’s been two weeks since he last said ‘I love you,’ just remember that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care it, it just means that time passes differently for him.”  – Dr. Tom Hacket, 44, World-renowned Orthopedic Surgeon and Team Doctor for US Olympics Snowboarding

2. You’re More Powerful than You Think

“In that single moment when you glance in our direction, we lock eyes, and all we feel is our heart beating through your chest, you have us. And there is absolutely nothing we can do about it!”  – Alexander T. MacGregor, Jr., 19, Editor-in-Chief of The Boulevardier

3. We Like Shopping with You… Sometimes

“Things I wish women knew? If you trim your hair, don’t get upset if we don’t notice. Help us along by actually wearing it in a different style that day. Also, we actually like going shopping with you, as long as you let us pick out your outfit. And, sometimes we wonder why someone as amazing as you wants to be with us.”  – Lalo Fuentes, 34, Celebrity Trainer

4. We’re Not so Different

 

“At the gym, men are just as self conscious and check themselves out in the mirror just as much as women do. In regards to cooking, men can do more than BBQ. All you need to do is ask—but be sure to do it after the game! Oh, and, men do like salads, especially if they are topped off with bacon!” –Chuck Hughes, 34, Chef and Cooking Channel host

 

5. Your Teenage Tendencies are a Major Turn Off

 

“A few things: Insecurity is a major turn off, using the acronyms ‘lol,’ ‘lolz,’ or ‘rotfl’ should not be used by any female above the age of 15, we don’t like being called ‘dude,’ ‘friend,’ ‘bro,’ or any combination of the above because you are not our male friend, thinking Justin Bieber is cute is not cute, and finally, going to the bathroom in pairs is bewildering to us.” – Beau Davidson, 30,Country Music Recording Artist

 

6. I Have No Secrets

 

“I’ve always been told that women know everything.  Is that not accurate?”  – Steve Berry, 56, New York Times Bestselling Author

 

7. DVDs Don’t Make the Perfect Gift

 

“I wish women knew that just because we talk about our favorite movie all the time, we don’t want it on DVD as our Christmas gift. We already own it. Actually, we don’t want DVDs period. It’s 2012.” – Matt Ritter, 30, Comedian

 

8. There’s Always an Exception to Dating Rules

 

“For every rule or guideline to dating that you read about in magazines, there is always an exception!” –Kyle Erickson, 25, Celebrity Publicist

 

9. You’re Beautiful When You Don’t Try so Hard

 

“I wish women knew even though we appreciate you taking hours to get dressed and ‘put on your face,’ it’s no longer necessary. Superficial beauty catches our attention but natural beauty keeps it.”  – Thomas Edwards Jr., 26, Founder of The Professional Wingman

 

What else did these guys have to say?

5 Types of Men that Women Avoid

Regardless of how handsome or dashing they seem, there are men out there that just spell trouble when it comes to having a serious relationship. It’s not that they’re bad boys or heartbreakers; they’re just not commitment material.

Why, you ask? Well the answer basically comes down to lifestyle. Whether the “avoidables” know it or not, the way they live isn’t conducive to having a girlfriend. There’s just not enough room for a person of the opposite sex.

The good news is that unlike a lot of other “deal breakers,” the traits that make some men avoidable are completely…well, avoidable. All that’s needed is a reality check and some conscious decisions. Until then, we present 5 Types of Men that Women Avoid.

1) The Man-Child

This guy is clinging to his glory days when life was less complicated and responsibility was minimal. He’s obsessed with Guitar Hero, frequently attends keg parties and considers pizza one of the major food groups.

As a gateway back to youth, the Man-Child is fun for a date or two, but the problem is that he’s not going anywhere. This adolescent-adult has problems holding onto jobs and is more interested in living the life of a fraternity brother than making a serious commitment. Women are inclined to ditch The Man-Child until he grows up a little bit and learns to live life in the real world.

2) The Roving-Eye Guy

This guy is constantly looking at every female but the one he’s with. He ogles the barrista, the woman at the bus stop, even his buddy’s wife, making his date feel inferior and unattractive. Most of us will agree that men are inclined to admire beautiful women (and vice versa) but let’s face it: Recognizing beauty and disrespectfully rubbernecking are two completely different things.

Constantly competing for your partner’s attention gets old really fast. If a man’s smarmy smile, inappropriate comments/gestures and keen interest in others are too distracting to the relationship, women pick up and move along. Even the most confident women want their men to treat them like they are the only one in the room.

3) The Cheapskate

You don’t have to be labeled a “gold digger” to recognize the difference between a man who’s frugal and one who’s downright miserly. You know the type: he brings coupons to the first date or parks 17 blocks away to avoid paying a $4 valet (or both). Ah yes, this “avoidable” is known as the cheapskate.

Now, there is nothing wrong with a guy shopping for the best deal and being conservative with his money. However, if every activity is all about finding the stingiest alternative, nothing is ever fun.

Repeatedly counting change, stealing food from work and rationing toilet paper may seem quirky or sweet at first, but this behavior is indicative of future headaches. When it comes down to it, this guy has control issues.

4) Mr. Gadget

The gadget guy is always toting the latest toys for big boys. He has the hottest phone, a high-speed boat, a decked-out luxury car, and the newest Harley (for those weekend drives). In other words, this guy has a lot of material things keeping him busy. As a grown-up kid who can’t resist the new plaything of the moment, he has a hard time keeping his attention on women. After all, who can compete with technology when it changes at lightning speed?

Whether he is out to impress others, or he constantly needs to trade up to feed his own ego, this guy cares more about stuff than people. (Bad sign.) With this kind of outlook, women who date Mr. Gadget are often left wondering if an upgraded model will make them obsolete.

5) The Mama’s Boy

The Mama’s Boy probably still lives with his parents in their house, allowing Mom to launder his clothes, make his bed and cook his meals. (In many cultures, it’s not unusual to live with one’s parents forever, so living at home isn’t necessarily a deal breaker.) However, when a man delights in being waited on hand-and-foot by his mom, there’s trouble.

Mama’s Boys expect their girlfriends to cater to them endlessly and they never understand why that would be a problem. Most women realize that instead of trying to raise the man over again, it’s better to leave the parenting to his indulgent mother.

Finding Mr. Right

In all fairness, these guys aren’t all bad and maybe they just need a patient partner to come in and show them the light. Just because he relishes saving money, loves his mama and delights in playing Grand Theft Auto IV until dawn, all that doesn’t make him unworthy of a relationship. However, women avoid these challenging fellows because they still have some growing to do.

Remember, not everyone will come into your life ready-made, but there’s a difference between dusting off a diamond and fighting a battle you’re never going to win.

The Truth About Men and Feelings

Are men scared off by emotions?  Have you been accused of being needy or too emotional in your relationships?  Read on to find out how to use your feelings the right way with a man.

Guys get a bad rap when it comes to feelings.  Basically, people think we don’t have them, don’t want to share them, and don’t want to listen to them, either.  But that’s not true.  Let me tell you about what’s really going on for men when it comes to feelings, and show you how you can use this knowledge to build a solid foundation for a secure, lasting relationship.
 
UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T FEEL THE WAY YOU DO

A lot of the pain and frustration I see women in results from thinking that when it comes to feelings, men function like women. But the truth is that we have a much harder time processing and handling feelings than you do.  We’re not as good at it.  We also don’t have the extensive support system that women have, which explains why men escape into things like work, sports, and television.

If you can understand this and learn to work with us instead of against us, you’re already getting a huge advantage when it comes to men and relationships.   The other thing to remember is that as men, we want to fix things.  And we get really frustrated when we can’t.  Which brings me to…

TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF HIM TO “FIX” YOUR FEELINGS

Of course, you want a man to acknowledge and satisfy your feelings and desires.  It’s a man’s place in a relationship to be a good partner, to care for you, to listen, to be a great lover, to connect, to be loyal, and to share.

But, when you demand that a man meet your emotional needs and you “lean” on him out of your own fears, frustrations, and uncertainty, you are setting both of you up for disappointment. No relationship can meet all your emotional needs. Relationships are supposed to be about growth, and not about becoming dependent on someone else meeting your emotional needs at any time you want.
 
TAKE THE LEAD IN POSITIVE COMMUNICATION

Now that you know you are much more adept at feeling your feelings and sharing them, use this knowledge to create a supportive environment for good communication with your man.  How?  First, always try to come from a place of compassion and understanding.  I know this is hard to do, but think about it – you get what you give.  And you will get a lot further with a man when you approach your interactions with him this way.  Understand that he doesn’t “get” feelings and communication the way you do. 

Instead of approaching a conversation thinking he’s doing something on purpose or being insensitive, shift your awareness to thinking he just needs help understanding where you’re coming from.  Then, communicate from that place.  Instead of saying, “I’m fed up that you never want to hang out with my friends,” try a positive set up like this: “You know I want us both to feel happy in this relationship, and I always want to be honest with you.  I notice that we don’t do a lot of things with my friends, and I’d really like them to know you better.  How do you think we can make this work for both of us?”  When you talk to a man with a positive set-up like this, you’re priming him to see that you are not looking to fight – you’re looking to get things right.

In order to make a relationship work, it’s critical for you to understand that men simply aren’t “wired” the same way women are when it comes to connecting on an emotional level.  But when you take responsibility for your own feelings and share them with him in a positive way, he’ll see that you are a capable, competent woman who puts the relationship first – the kind of woman he wants to have at his side.

Ten Things to Never Post on Facebook if You Are Single

If you’re single and not completely loving that fact, there are a few Facebook guidelines to follow to if you want to remain dateable in the eyes of other singles in your social network.

Ten things to never post on Facebook if you are single:

1. What you’re looking for in a date. eHarmony should host your dating profile, not your Facebook page.

2. A play-by-play of the dates you do go on. If you chronicle the details of your personal life, no one will want to become part of it. Journal privately.

3. Melancholic posts about singleness or exes. Debbie Downer is only entertaining on SNL, not in real life.

4. Angry posts about singleness. Whether you’re bitter about being alone or sick of all your married friends not having time for you anymore, publicly expressing feelings of hostility will only further alienate you from the people you (really do) love.

5. “Sexy” pics. Semi-undressed shots, pouty faces and Photoshopped-to-death profile photos are too often the sources of major eye-rolling from online friends. Keep it classy. And never call yourself hot. Ever. (Unless you’re literally sweaty — in a nonsexual context.)

6. Wedding dress photos you pinned on Pinterest. It doesn’t matter if you’re just admiring the designer gowns, any signs of wedding obsession are instant turn-offs.

7. Photos of your ex. Refuse to publicly indulge in bitterness or nostalgia.

8. Lyrics or videos of sappy love songs — or sad love-gone-wrong songs. Let Facebook be a place where you update friends and family on the good things actively going on in your life, not a place where you cryptically reveal what you wish was going on in your life.

9. Information about a new crush. When you’re smitten with someone new, post on Facebook using this filter: “Will this comment scare him/her away?”

10. Any evidence that you’re stalking an ex or a date. Just because you discovered that your ex is seeing someone new doesn’t mean that you have to passive-aggressively mention this on your wall.

What have you seen on your friends’ Facebook walls that had you rolling your eyes!?

Should you Snitch on your Cheating Friend?

Your good friend Susan loves her boyfriend Jim—so why is she at the bar across the street with her arms around a strange guy? When you catch a friend violating the trust of the relationship he or she is in, is it your responsibility to tell?

It may be tempting when you know about an indiscretion not to tell. It’s a lot of pressure to put on one person, and anyway, your mom always told you to mind your own business.

Yet if you don’t tell, you’ll feel like an enabler, a liar, an accomplice to the cheating. Perhaps you’re friends with both parties in the relationship and don’t know how to be loyal to one friend without betraying the other. How do you make the right decision?

What Constitutes Cheating?

First of all, let’s define our terms. Being in a monogamous, committed relationship means being faithful, and that doesn’t include just sexual fidelity—it means reserving one’s romantic affection of any type, including passionate kisses and flirty emails, for the person you’re dating. Any form of violation of that trust, any sharing of one’s romantic side with a third party, would probably be considered cheating by the partner whose trust was violated.

What’s the Severity?

But before you go rushing off to tattle to your friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend, ask yourself this: how serious is the offense? Some types of cheating are worse than others, and different types deserve different reactions.

For example, if you see your friend Liz drunkenly flirting with the drummer of the band you both just saw play, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s looking to cheat on her boyfriend, Mike. It definitely would be hurtful to Mike if he saw it. But then again, she may be flirting for all kinds of reasons (to help her feel young, to get back at Mike for an argument, to make her girlfriends laugh) that don’t translate into a real desire to date or make out with a random drummer.

Your friendship instincts probably scream out “Protect Mike!” But in a case of low-level cheating like this, the best way to protect Mike and his relationship is actually to talk to Liz. And it’s well within your rights as a friend to call it like you see it:

“Hey, you were talking a little too friendly with that guy. And you were disrespecting Mike, when you know how much he worships you. I don’t want to have to be two-faced around your boyfriend if you flirt with guys behind his back, so if I ever see you doing something like that again, I’m not going to hide it from him.”

Your friend might be a bit hurt or caught off guard. But if you stress that you’re giving her a friendly warning because you want her relationship to succeed, in the long run she’ll thank you for your candor. Deep down, your friends know they need to be faithful in their relationships, even on a purely emotional level.

Caught in the Act

But what do you do if you catch your friend, who’s in a committed relationship, doing more than just flirting with a stranger? In the case of our fictitious couple, what if you catch Mike on a secret lunch date with that curvy redhead he pretends not to know? Or worse, what if you accidentally see a wayward email that proves Mike was spending time with another woman when he was supposed to be on that business trip in Miami?

In this case, your friends’ relationship is really on the line, and you know keeping Mike’s secret would be wrong to Liz. If sexual infidelity is going on, it’s even more important to tell, because Liz’s health as well as her trust would be compromised if Mike contracts an STD.

But even in this scenario, if you feel Mike really loves Liz and just made a profound mistake by cheating, it may be advisable to give him a chance to make things right: Liz might do better to hear about the cheating from Mike himself. It’s never enjoyable to learn that your girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse is cheating. But if your boyfriend tells you himself, and at the same time stresses the lesson he’s learned and the steps he’s taken to ensure that it never happens again, healing can happen faster than if you hear it “through the grapevine.” In this case, you can gently explain to Mike that he has a deadline of, say, a week or less to tell Liz, and if he doesn’t, he won’t get the luxury of telling her in his own words.

The Unrepentant Philanderer

But what do you do if your friend has become a shameless cheat, who has no intention of changing his or her ways? What if the friend is even having a long-running affair or numerous affairs, and you’ve already talked with him or her but see no light at the end of the tunnel?

If you feel morally compelled to let your friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend know about the cheating, be prepared for a rough experience. Let’s say Liz is the one constantly cheating on Mike. Mike is almost certainly aware that something weird is going on—she’s probably exhibiting emotional distance, or defensiveness, or evasiveness, or irritation caused by her guilt, and there may also have been problems in their relationship leading up to her affairs. Then again, Mike may be totally in denial, allowing himself to be fooled because the knowledge of being cheated on feels somehow more shameful than living the lie.

Minimize the shock and anger that Mike might feel by coming prepared. When you meet to tell him Liz’s secret, have resources ready, such as the phone numbers of good marital or relationship counselors that he can turn to. If Mike and Liz are a couple with children, offer to babysit or help out so that they can have some alone time to process things. If it makes things easier for you, bring another close friend with you—not only will Mike feel more support from more than one person, but it will help you back up your story if Mike is in such disbelief that he tries to argue with you about what you know. And let Mike know that no matter what decision he makes in regard to his relationship with Liz, you’ll stand by him.

The End of the Friendship?

One sad fact about infidelity is that it hurts so much that people will sometimes blame everyone but themselves and their partner. If you feel compelled to tell your friend’s spouse or partner that their loved one has been cheating, be prepared to lose one or both parties in the relationship as friends. However, if you’re lucky, and if your intervention comes in time, you might just help steer their relationship back on track toward a richer, more trusting and respectful love. At the very least, they’ll know tha

The 5 Keys to Becoming a ‘Relationship Ready’ Man

Most men get that it takes something totally different to create a great relationship than it does to just “get dates.” That in mind, David D. reveals the 5 “key traits” that any man must possess to unlock the passionate, fulfilling relationship of his dreams.

Every time a man decides it’s time to get serious about women and dating, he’s sure to travel one of two paths:

A) He dates a lot of different women, maybe even simultaneously, with the sole goal of short-term fun and enjoyment. He has no ambitions or illusions about “the long term” or “commitment.”

Or:

B) He sets out to connect with one special woman whose qualities are so attractive that he can’t imagine not sharing his future with her.

Of course, plenty of men find themselves in a place where option A is all good– and there’s nothing wrong with that. But here’s what every man who wants to live out Option B needs to know. The attitudes and skills needed to get “lots of dates” are very different from those needed to attract and keep an amazing woman for the long term. These attitudes and skills ALL require that a man possess certain characteristics…deep, inner qualities necessary for attracting and keeping the woman of his dreams for the long term.

So without further delay, here are the top 5 prerequisites of becoming a “relationship ready” man:

#1: POISE

When it comes to connecting with a great woman, the ability to communicate maturity, stability and self-control at the outset is crucial — and only becomes more important as the relationship grows. Women sense (and instantly reject) men who project “nervousness,” “flakiness” and “selfishness.” They smell it a mile away…so it’s critical that a man develop and powerfully project the polar opposite of these “immature” traits from the moment he meets a woman. Poise may be best known as an attitude of calm coolness, no matter what the situation. But it really means a whole lot more than a man just getting his best James Bond on, it means achieving a mature, confident, secure outlook that proves he can thrive when life’s suddenly not “all about him” anymore.

#2:  PRESENCE

Once poise opens the door with a high-quality woman, it’s critical that a man know how to step inside…this is where presence comes in. Presence is literally a man’s ability to “be there” for a woman, to show that he “gets” what’s important to her in both life and love, and that he’s willing and capable to support her no matter what and help make her dreams come true. If she’s hurting, it’s letting her know that he’s there for her and can help her solve the problem. If she’s celebrating, it’s magnifying her joy by sharing in it fully and enthusiastically. If she’s bored, it’s dialing up the excitement (without having to be asked).

#3: PURPOSE 

A man’s purpose is his goal in life … what he wants to achieve, and how he’s planning on getting there. His purpose defines who he is, what he does, and why he does it, all of which (paradoxically) is a requirement for succeeding in a relationship with another person. In other words, until a man knows what he wants out of life, he’ll never be able to connect deeply with a partner. Worse…if he waits to make those decisions until later, it may interfere with, or even destroy, his ability to be “present” in the moment during a relationship. Oh, by the way…women love a man with a strong sense of purpose. It’s incredibly attractive.

This is why, if a man wants to be truly relationship ready, he must first get a handle on what his purpose in life is, then go after it. Preferably with a great amount of…

#4:  PASSION

Passion is the energy with which a man pursues his purpose. It’s the reason he’s excited to get up in the morning. In other words, without excitement about his own life burning in him, how can a man possibly get excited about sharing himself, fully and openly, with another person?

#5: PERSISTENCE

Like a wise lad from Liverpool once said, “It don’t come easy.” Persistence is the hard work of becoming a fully realized, relationship ready man. It’s the effort necessary to master poise. It’s the determination to be present in the moment. It’s the dedication to pursue a purpose with passion.

All of which adds up to the ultimate goal of the “relationship ready” man, the enduring ability to connect deeply and passionately for the long term with the woman of his dreams.

The Dos and Don’ts of Dating

In the new millennium, finding someone to date isn’t nearly as tricky as mastering the art of dating. Between online dating, singles events, and the old-fashioned in-person meet and greet, it’s possible to date someone new on a regular basis. But how do you make the most of these chances to meet your perfect partner? How can you ensure that a first date, good or bad, is a learning experience rather than a missed opportunity? The following are the top five dating don’ts, followed by helpful dating dos:

Don’t: Misrepresent yourself
While online dating is a valuable resource for the savvy single, there are people out there who misrepresent themselves. Don’t be one of them. Just as your online dating profile should accurately represent who you really are, your in-person encounters should be equally authentic. Don’t pretend to be something or someone you’re not in an effort to impress a potential partner. You’re fabulous just as you are and if somebody else can’t see that, it’s his loss. Besides, a relationship founded on lies and/or insincerities will quickly crumble.

Do: Be clear AND realistic about what you want
The most successful daters are those who not only know exactly what they want, but are realistic about themselves and what they’re looking for. Make a list of the qualities and traits you’re looking for in your perfect partner. Then look at that list and ask yourself how realistic it is. For example, is finding someone who makes great money more important than finding someone who lives within his means? Or if you think you want to meet someone who’s highly educated with multiple degrees, is that as important as finding someone with one degree but amazing life experiences that have helped shape and educate him? Make your list, and as you continue dating, tweak it to make it as clear and realistic as possible.

Don’t: Get stuck in a rut
Getting stuck in a dating rut or dry spell doesn’t have to be part of the single gal’s experience. Taking time away from the dating scene to breathe and reboot is one thing (and oh-so-necessary now and then). But getting stuck in a dating rut where you’re either not meeting anyone or only meeting the same type of guy over and over again should be a thing of the past.

Do: Put yourself in target rich environments (often!)
The best way to avoid a dating rut is to get “out there” on a regular basis. And by “out there,” I mean target-rich environments, at least once a week. What’s a target-rich environment? It’s any location where savvy and successful single men can be found in abundance. For the best results, choose a target-rich environment based on your own interests. Don’t think sports bar (unless you’re a diehard sports fan yourself), but instead think bookstore or singles event or museum fundraiser or political rally. Once you’re in your target-rich environment, don’t forget to smile and circulate!

Don’t: Drag excess baggage on dates
Just as you shouldn’t have to date a guy who lugs his emotional baggage wherever he goes, you shouldn’t be That Girl either. Nobody in your present dating life wants or deserves to bear the brunt of your past relationships. Your relationship history — the good, bad, and even the ugly — is just that. History.

Do: Learn your relationship lessons
Instead of obsessing about past relationship failures, look at those experiences as valuable lessons. You can learn from any dating disaster, relationship gone awry, even a bad breakup. These experiences ultimately teach us about our own resilience, what we’re really looking for in a perfect partner and how we can do better next time by applying our lessons learned.

Don’t: Be a critic
Raise your hand if the following scenario sounds familiar: You’re on a date with someone new, and instead of being present and actively getting to know the person seated across from you at the coffeehouse/restaurant/cocktail lounge, you’re stuck in your own head judging your date. He’s too short. He doesn’t drive the right car. I don’t think he makes enough money. Chances are you’ve been there, done that. And if so, you may have walked away from what could have been a great date because your inner critic got the best of you. While you may think your inner critic is merely pointing out relationship red flags, what it’s really doing is sabotaging your ability to get to know someone new, someone who could be a great guy if you gave yourself a chance to get to know him. You owe it to yourself to turn the volume down on your inner critic, pay attention to the person you’re on a date with, and then decide for yourself if you’d like to see him again. By muting your inner critic, you may just discover you’re a better judge of character.

Do: Have fun 
In your quest to meet your partner, you may sometimes lose sight of the fact that dating is supposed to be fun. Yes, it takes a lot of time, energy, and patience. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the process. If you’re feeling particularly stressed about dating, maybe it’s time to take a brief break. Focus your energies elsewhere for a while: on work, a hobby, or just nurturing yourself. When you’re ready, get back out there. But first adopt a more Zen approach to dating. Enjoy getting to know new people without worrying about where it’s leading or if he’s The One. By enjoying your dating journey, you’re all the more likely to attract a healthy and happy partner because you yourself are happy and healthy.

Don’t: Look at being single as a bad thing
Be honest — does being single sometimes feel like a life sentence you’re forced to endure? If so, don’t be surprised if you’re attracting like-minded individuals or not attracting anyone at all. This kind of negative thinking is both dangerous and defeating to your dating efforts. After all, would you want to date someone who hated being single?

Do: Become a successful single
The key to enjoying your social life as a savvy single is to relish in the possibilities. You have yet to meet the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, and that’s fantastic! By being footloose and fancy free, you have the opportunity to meet and date and try on different partners until you find the right fit. While not every person you date is going to be right for you, by playing the field you exponentially increase your chances of meeting that perfect person. By becoming a successful single and enjoying the quality of your life in general, you’re bound to attract like-minded healthy and happy partners — maybe even Mr. Right.