Confidence, Casualness and Care: The Three C’s For Date One

The hard part is over. You can breathe a huge sigh of relief, knowing that your date is set, she or he said yes, and now that you know you aren’t staying home alone this weekend, you can sit back, relax, and let your first date take care of itself.

Or can you? While you shouldn’t get worked up over your first date (stop and breathe, you can do this, trust…it’s all going to be OK, no, better than OK), keeping a complacent attitude about it won’t do you any favors, either. Here are a few things you should definitely keep in mind to make it a success.

Be Confident
Your date already likes you—he or she said yes, right? So smile. Be yourself. Laugh when something is funny. Keeping your confidence throughout your date shows that you love yourself, you are a great person and that you’ll make an even greater mate.

Nourish your body before your date by taking some deep cleansing breaths.
And if you are going to dinner, keep in mind that even though you may both love food, this date is about connecting, not so much about the food. So eat a gentle, moderate meal at the restaurant so you do not feel bloated and in pain. Take a walk before your date, and practice more deep breathing to calm yourself.

If it helps, keep an affirmation in mind throughout the evening and repeat it, just to yourself, when you’re feeling anxious. Try, “I am a loving person. I love myself and am deserving of love,” or, “Confidence radiates from me. I love being me and [insert your date’s name] likes me for who I am.” Experiment with creating your own.

Being confident doesn’t mean being arrogant. Bragging about how hot you are, how many deer you’ve shot, or how many hearts you have crushed are not going to win you any points. Besides, he or she can see how hot you are already—and firearm use and hurting others are probably not great first date topics to begin with. You want to ensnare your date, not scare your date.

Be Casual This doesn’t mean to show up on your date wearing overalls (unless your date involves milking a cow or fixing a tractor; then, by all means, bib yourself up). Wear something that you know you look amazing in (that blue top that really brings out your eyes would work nicely), but not something you would go ballroom dancing in (leave your old prom dress in the closet where it belongs).

Be sure to select a venue that’s casual, too—while you probably don’t want to nab a McSomething in the drive-thru, don’t go to the most upscale joint in town, either. You want a relaxed, casual atmosphere where you can get to know each other—and not worry about pronouncing the hors d’œuvres correctly.

Being casual also means going easy on your date. Even if you think he or she is the most dazzling thing since ‘Moulin Rouge’ and you want to scoop him or her up in your arms, sing a wildly romantic montage of Elvis Presley and Michael Bolton medleys, and proclaim your undying love… please, don’t do that! If you come on too strong, they will either run screaming, file for a restraining order, or hit you with a taser gun.

Just be casual. You can give compliments—if they are sincere. You can be excited, animated, and definitely interested (see below), but don’t propose marriage.

Not yet.

Care While this one may be the simplest of the three C’s, it can be the most difficult to follow. If you’re nervous on a first date—as most people are!—you may end up talking and talking and talking… and suddenly, you realize that you’ve bombarded your date with your audio autobiography and they have either fallen asleep, left the building, or decided to take the bartender out instead.

Care about your date. Listen to what your boss has to say, ask questions, and be attentive. Share your own stories and thoughts, but don’t monopolize the conversation. A good rule of thumb to follow is if you are feeling like you are talking too much; gently turn the conversation back to your date. Ask, “So how do you feel about [something relevant in the news is good or/ whatever you were just talking about]?” If your date doesn’t really have an opinion, try changing the subject.

Finally, don’t judge your date for being awkward or for stumbling over the conversation—he or she is probably just as nervous, if not more so, as you are.

By following the 3 C’s, Confidence, Casualness and Care on your first date, you are sure to have a fun time! And hopefully create a lasting memory you will look back on fondly as your relationship grows more intimate. Unless, of course, you did decide to fix that tractor. I don’t make any guarantees with that one.

Laura Fenamore, CPCC, is an Advice Blogger for mylifecompass.com, a personal development company for women. Laura is a gifted Body Image Mastery Mentor and a celebrated speaker, lecturer and teacher to thousands of people worldwide. Laura’s company, Body Image Mastery, is devoted exclusively to helping people find balance in their lives and learn to value the home they get to live in – their body. Her vision is living in a world where health and body image are celebrated.

Can Flaky People Make Good Partners?

Krista faced a tough decision. Her boyfriend of ten months, Alex, was a charming guy with nearly all the qualities she wanted in a man: generous, sincere, creative, and fun-loving.

But she couldn’t deny he also had a conspicuous fault — he was flaky, as in unreliable and irresponsible. He often did not follow through on what he promised he’d do. And his lifestyle was chaotic and cluttered.

“I wish I could say he’s guilty of just the occasional brain blip — a sporadic moment of absentmindedness,” Krista says. “But it happens all the time. He’s late to pick me up for dates, he doesn’t return my phone calls, he forgets appointments, and he calls in sick a lot to work so he can goof off with his buddies.”

She adds, “Not long ago, Alex offered to drop off a work package at Fed Ex to save me the trip. It was an important set of mock-ups for one of my graphic design clients. Three days later, when he picked me up for a movie, I spotted the package on the back seat of his car! I was livid.”

What’s a girl like Krista to do? More to the point, what would you do if you realized your dating partner was consistently undependable?

Let’s be honest — all of us let things fall through the cracks now and then. We forget to call Mom on her birthday, fail to pay the phone bill, or misplace the car keys. It happens. But the concern comes with those who exhibit chronic flakiness. While these people frequently have enjoyable personalities — optimistic, spontaneous, and playful –they are also extremely frustrating for those who rely on them to complete a task or show up on time.

This is a critical factor for singles to evaluate. After all, numerous studies have shown that long-term romantic partners rate reliability as a key ingredient for relational happiness. At the heart of the matter is a person’s dependability: Can I believe you when you promise to do something? Do I have to wonder if you’ll drop the ball? Do I need to expend my mental and emotional energy worrying that you’ll come through?

For a relationship to achieve excellence, both partners must act responsibly. They need to keep their word and honor commitments. If a woman says, “I’ll call you tonight,” she should do it. If a man says, “I’ll meet you for lunch at twelve o’clock sharp,” he should be there on the dot. If one or both persons are consistently negligent, the relationship is sure to suffer.

Psychologist David Niven says this: “With all the complicated advice available about relationships, sometimes the basics can be overlooked. Relationships depend on communication; we all know that. And meaningful communication demands reliability. Your words need to mean something. Say what you mean, and do what you say you are going to do. Always. If you do, you will have taken a huge step toward positive communication and a positive relationship.”

If you want a great relationship, find a partner you can depend on. And of course, it goes without saying that you should be dependable as well.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Dealing with Your Ex

Everyone knows breaking up is hard to do. But staying in contact with your ex following a breakup? That’s where things get really tricky. By remaining in each other’s lives, you run the risk of a post-breakup rendezvous, holding onto feelings for your ex, and in general delaying your ability to heal and move on quickly (and without additional heartache). The following are some tips to help you avoid a post-breakup backslide into your ex’s arms, and instead ease you into your happily ever after future:

Create new Boundaries

Your best defense after a breakup? Immediately create new boundaries with your ex. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texting, and definitely no late-night visits. Your ex is now your ex. That means it’s time to “ex-tricate” him or her from your life.

What if you can’t completely cut off contact because you have children together, run a business together, or work together? Your recovery is a little bit more challenging. But it’s not impossible. You just have to create special new boundaries, only dealing with and talking to your ex when absolutely necessary about your common interests, i.e., the children, business, work. If your ex wants to know how you’re handling the breakup? Shut him or her down. If he’s curious whether you’re dating again? Tell them it’s none of their business. The same is true for you. Don’t pry into your ex’s post-breakup recovery. Just as you deserve to heal and move on, so does your ex. Give your ex the space and time to do so.

Avoid Being Each Other’s Crutch

You loved, you lost, you’re now in mourning. A word of warning when you’re in post-breakup mourning: DO NOT seek comfort in the arms of your ex. That’s a huge recovery no-no! Instead, recruit a support system from your inner circle of friends, preferably friends who have your best interests at heart and won’t report back to your ex on your progress and setbacks. This is actually one of the single most important steps you can follow during your breakup recovery. To heal and move on, you’re going to need help. That help should NOT come in the form of your ex. The same is true for you. If your ex calls, emails, texts, or stops by seeking comfort for his broken heart? Don’t open your arms. Instead, kindly but firmly let him know that you are no longer his go-to support system. Then shut the door on any and all opportunities to help each other heal following the breakup.

No Online Ex-Bashing

After a breakup, it’s only natural to feel some residual anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. And in the era of social networking sites and YouTube, it’s all too easy to go online and spew in front of millions of readers/viewers. Don’t do it! By going online and bashing your ex on your blog, via video diary, or to everyone in your social network, you are inviting bad breakup karma into your life. And you know what they say—what comes around goes around. When it comes around? Ouch!

Handle the Dreaded Run-in with Class

While it would be fabulous if your ex could be automatically ejected from the planet following the breakup, that technology has yet to be invented. And depending on the size of the city you live in, a post-breakup run-in with your ex is not only possible, it’s probable. Rather than become a shut-in out of fear of your ex encounter, embrace the possibility and plan for it. First, imagine the absolute worst case scenario: You haven’t showered in days, your clothes are wrinkled and smelly, your hair is a mess, and you happen to run into your ex on a date with the most gorgeous girl you’ve ever seen. In fact, they’re engaged, as evidenced by the huge shiny rock on her left hand. Can you see it in your mind? Pretty painful, right?

Chances are that’s not going to happen. In fact, your ex encounter will probably be a lot less dramatic than this scenario. However, the pain may still be there. In bumping into your ex, you may be reminded of what you loved about him or her. It may even reignite those familiar feelings of love, lust, or just plain loneliness. Do not use the run-in as an excuse to reconnect. What’s done is done. Your ex is now your ex. Bumping into him does not mean that the two of you are meant to be together. Instead, summon that inner strength, smile politely, and extricate yourself from the situation as soon as is possible without being rude.

Follow the Six-Month Rule

After a breakup, the best rule of thumb is to avoid all contact with your ex for at least six months. Think about what you can do in six months—train for a marathon, plan and take a well-deserved vacation, buy property, change jobs, heal and move on. In giving yourself a six-month cushion, you greatly increase your chances of getting over your ex. In the throes of post-breakup angst, you may not like the sound of that. Like it or not, it’s what’s best for you. Rather than fight what you know is right for you, give yourself permission to put the six-month rule into practice.

If you adhere to these guidelines, your post-breakup recovery will be that much easier. In letting go of your ex, you give yourself permission to heal, move on, and eventually find your very own happily ever after. Good luck and happy healing!

‘Green Flags’: What Do You Want in a Partner?

What do you want in a partner? Instead of focusing on negative attributes to be aware of — what are the great qualities you are searching for? Here are our favorite and fantastic ”green flags” the Advice community wrote about:

bravethestorm writes:

1. Eye contact when you talk
2. Gentle touch
3. Makes you laugh/shared sense of humor
4. Shared interests
5. Willing to compromise
6. Thoughtful
7. Romantic
8. Kind in words and actions “just because”
9. Takes concern in how you feel or what you want
10. Makes you a priority in their life
11. Similar values and/or mutual respect of differences

JDavid‘s list:

1. Thought and intelligence evident in what is presented
2. Effective communication (clarity, proper capitalization, punctuation, spelling)
3. Avoidance of tired / trite clichés, sayings, expressions
4. Positive outlook (and lack of negative comments or attitudes)
5. Clear, dated, representative and appealing photograph
6. Information about activities and interests (that parallel mine)
7. Indication of balance in life (absence of obsession)
8. Emphasis on important life issues with a partner rather than entertainment or frivolity

CreolePrincess writes:

1. Is nice to animals, children and the elderly
2. Answers questions easily and asks questions in return
3. Respect personal boundaries
4. Is able to laugh at self
5. Is law abiding
6. Geniune smile
7. Treats others with dignity and respect

What are your must-have qualities in a mate? What single attribute is the most important to you?

Common Love Myths and How They Affect Your Dating Life

Feel like your love life falls short of a fairy tale? Frustrated in your search for The One, Prince Charming, your own Happily Ever After ending?

If you’re looking to improve your chances of dating and relationship success, you may first need to debunk some common love myths. The following are common relationship myths, followed by simple reality checks:

Myth #1: The Rescue Fantasy

Are you waiting for your perfect partner to swoop in and rescue you from your life? If so, you may be waiting forever. The truth is, in order to be a truly successful single, you have to first save yourself. That means not waiting for your perfect partner to come along before you resolve unpaid debts, emotional baggage, or any other area of your life where you are unhappy. If you think you might be buying into the rescue fantasy, you first need to take a long, hard look at your life and ask yourself what you’re waiting for your perfect partner to fix and/or provide. Once you get your answers, you owe it to yourself to take steps to resolve those issues and problems on your own. In doing so, you rescue yourself and become a truly successful single. As a result, you will most likely start attracting more suitable and satisfying potential partners. Love that!

Myth #2: The Fairy Tale Trap

Once upon a time, little girls everywhere were raised on the notion that one day Prince Charming would come along and sweep them off their feet. If you’re still waiting for your Prince Charming, stop. There is no glass slipper, no magical kiss, no storybook ending. And that’s fantastic! In the new millennium, love is not a fairy tale. Don’t expect your dating life to be picture- perfect. Just as you are human with all your fabulous flaws, the people you date are equally human and equally flawed. By celebrating your own strengths and weaknesses, you’ll be better equipped to celebrate the wonderfully flawed individuals you date.

Myth #3: Someday My Prince Will Come

In the past, have you found yourself on a date with someone who was nice enough, but was a far cry from your laundry list of potential partner qualities? Did you discount their positive qualities and instead focus on the negative? If so, you may have talked yourself out of getting to know someone who could have been really terrific. In 2008, with Iinternet dating, speed dating, instant breakups, and instant hook-ups, it’s all too easy to discard one potential partner for another. While having lots of dating options is good, it can also make genuinely connecting with someone more difficult. In the process, your prince may just come along…and go! Do yourself a favor and slow down, pay attention and give yourself permission to date less- than- perfect people. You may just find someone who is perfectly imperfect for you.

Myth #4: The One

If you think you may have met and discarded The One, don’t despair. The good news is there’s no such thing as The One. In fact, along your journey toward happily ever after, you will meet lots of potential Ones. Your job is to stay open-minded, be your best self, and learn your valuable lessons from each and every person you date. That way, when good Ones come along you can spot them, date them, and decide if they’re the One for you.

Myth #5: And They Lived Happily Ever After…

Once you meet your perfectly imperfect partner, you can sit back, relax, and live happily ever after, right? Wrong. The truth is real relationships, unlike fairy tales, take work. Finding your perfect partner is just the beginning. Learning to check your emotional baggage, being willing to compromise, and communicating in healthy ways are all part of the deal. In order to do so, you’ve got to first be healthy and happy on your own two feet. That way, you’re ready, willing, and able to attract a healthy and happy partner. Ultimately, your version of happily ever after will be uniquely yours. And that’s better than any fairy tale you’ll ever read about!

Now that you know the common relationship myths to avoid, you’re better equipped to enjoy a fun and fulfilling dating life. By freeing yourself from the fairy tale, rescuing yourself, and creating realistic views of love and relationships, you’re well on your way to attracting your perfectly imperfect partner, because you too are perfectly imperfect.

Good luck and happy dating!

So What if He’s Not ‘Mr. Right?’

You may hear your friend say, “He’s just my Mr. Right Now” or, “She and I are just hanging out for fun.” You know the friend in this situation is looking for “the one,” and you wonder, “Why are you wasting your time on this temporary person, when you could be spending your energy finding the right person?”

Ms. and Mr. Right-Now often get a bad rap. But they don’t have to be destined to live in the shadow of Mr. and Mrs. One-and-Only. They just might have something to offer and here’s why:

1. They Fill a Void

Sometimes you find yourself spending time with someone you know doesn’t have long-term relationship potential, and yet you may be “coming of age” or find your “biological clock is ticking.”

But in reality, when you haven’t found the one, it’s natural to want company in some form that fills the romantic relationship void. How long you want to spend there is up to you — but it’s important to be honest with yourself about the whole situation. 

2. Opportunity Knocks! 

Marie moved to Chicago because she was seriously dating Greg, who lived there. Eventually, they broke up. But what did Marie get out of it? By that time, she had already landed an exciting marketing job she never would have taken without the extra motivation to move that Greg provided.

Many people rearrange their lives for a relationship that doesn’t work out. But much good can come from it – new connections, openings, and adventures. It can spin your life in a new direction.

3. It’s a Discovery Process

Few people marry the first person they date seriously. But you may find that they do have a lot of the qualities you’re ultimately looking for. You may also discover that they have qualities you’ll make sure your committed partner doesn’t have.

Set your sights, then, to learn what you can from each and every person you date. Do your very best to set aside the urge to strain toward a permanent result, even if your ultimate goal is to settle down and commit. This person could give you something other than a life-long partnership, but something just as necessary for what you need in the course of your life. 

4. Every Day is a Gift 

In a way, anyone you are dating is a Right Now. Why? When you’re dating someone, no matter how wonderful they are, no matter how much you have in common, no matter how promising the relationship may seem, you can’t possibly know 100% if they’re going to be a permanent fixture in your life. And if you’ve been searching for a while, you’re likely to be keenly aware of this. It’s okay to wonder, but instead of fixating on “Is this the one?,” you may want to pour more energy into the joy and entertainment of what is happening in the now. 

5. Say Thank You 

Many of us know about the resentment and bitterness that can emerge out of a broken relationship. That’s often an unavoidable part of the journey when you allow your heart to get attached to someone. You can, however, get to a place where while you acknowledge where they and you fell short in significant ways, you can see what you contributed to each other’s lives. If it weren’t for that step in your “dating dance,” you may not have gotten to the place where you joined your permanent partner.

The bottom line? Give yourself the freedom to enjoy another’s company, even if you are pretty sure they aren’t “the one.” Being open to possibilities and learning more about the dating experience will always benefit you on the road to finding the love of your life.

Lies We Tell Ourselves About Dating

No one enjoys being lied to, which is why singles rank “honesty” as one of the most important traits they look for in a partner. But when it comes to telling ourselves the truth, we don’t always hold to the same standard. Sometimes we fudge a little. Sometimes, in fact, we tell ourselves blatant lies.

Far from innocent and harmless, these self-deceptions can keep us from finding great relationships. Here are five of the most common lies we tell ourselves about dating:

1. “Love is for everyone except me.” Even if you don’t actually say these words to yourself, they may form the basis of a nameless, nagging fear. Either way, the feeling of being destined to forever stand on the outside of love looking in is common. Instead of telling yourself this lie, stop blurring the line between fact and fear. The lack of a significant other in your life currently may be a fact, but projecting that reality dismally into the future is all about fear. It can also become a self-fulfilling prediction, keeping you from exploring new relationships.

2. “I don’t really deserve more.” This lie can prevent you from taking the risk of exploring a new relationship or keep you stuck in a lousy one. Those who believe this lie may find themselves putting up with disrespect or even abuse. It’s counterintuitive to expect someone to love you well when you don’t expect it yourself. If you believe this about yourself, consider talking with a professional counselor about the events or relationships in your life that led you to embrace this falsehood in the first place.

3. “I know this relationship isn’t great, but it’s better than being alone.” People convince themselves there’s no downside to staying with the wrong person until the right one comes along, but the risks are actually huge. There’s the risk of becoming so comfortable with the wrong person that you stay in a mediocre dating relationship, which could lead to a mediocre marriage. There’s also the risk that, being preoccupied with a mismatch, you’ll miss out on the right match.

4. “It has to look like ‘love at first sight.’” When you take the time to evaluate what you want in a partner and identify what matters most, you’re prepared to make decisions faster. You can more quickly recognize people who have “partner potential.” You can also acknowledge when it’s best to move on. But many people don’t take the time to get to know themselves or identify the essential qualities they need in a partner. These folks often come to a first date with selection criteria based on distortions, and they make important decisions based on the delusion of “immediate chemistry.” If sparks don’t fly right away, they might pass on a great person without giving chemistry a chance to develop. Or they may pursue the relationship based on chemistry when other vital qualities are missing.

5. “If I ignore this red flag, it’ll go away or change.” Sure, and that grinding noise coming from your car will also disappear if you pretend it’s not there. Unfortunately not. If you have nagging concerns about someone you’re dating, ignoring them only delays the inevitable. Convincing yourself otherwise is a sure path to disappointment and even heartache. You might end up wasting months and even years with the wrong person, missing out on better prospects in the process.

Recognizing and rejecting lies is a critical step in wise dating. By telling yourself the truth, you’ll be equipped and empowered to find a loving relationship.

4 Reasons Women are Attracted to ‘Bad Boys’

Why is it that many sensible and responsible women are attracted to “bad boys?” What do otherwise conscientious and even conservative women see in rebels and rabble-rousers?

First, understand that bad boys come in many variations and degrees. There are the seriously bad apples who have regular run-ins with the law, habitually use drugs, and get arrested for violent acts. Then there’s the milder variety—mischief-makers who enjoy breaking rules just because they’re there. These guys have unusually high testosterone, and they haven’t learned to channel all that aggression in a constructive way. So they drive too fast, engage in risky behaviors, and seek out danger. Other guys adopt a bad boy image because it gives them an identity, acceptance in their peer group, or attention from their parents and other adults.

There are typically four reasons good girls fall for guys like these:

1. The impulse to perpetuate what’s familiar.
Many women attracted to rogues had a father who was a little wild and rebellious. Because many girls idealize their father, they may seek a partner with similar traits. This usually isn’t a conscious decision; much of the allure happens below the level of awareness. Girls may also choose these boys on the assumption that Dad will be impressed.

2. The urge to redo the father-daughter relationship.
The motivation is an attempt to revise a troubled or distant relationship with their dad. Often, attraction is fueled by unmet childhood needs from the opposite-sex parent. So if a woman chooses someone reminiscent of her father, her motivation may be to remedy childhood hurts.

3. The drive to rehabilitate or “save” a wayward man.
Simply put, many women are rescuers. It’s a challenge for them to reform an incorrigible man. These women think, Sure, he gets into trouble, but I can change him! Ego is involved as well. It’s inflating when a woman feels like she is the only one who can transform a man.

4. The appetite for adventure.
Other women like the excitement, thrills, and sense of danger bad boys bring. This is especially true for those who have been “good girls” all their lives. Perhaps they grew up in a family that demanded conformity and compliance with rules. So they’re intrigued with men who scoff at rules and shrug off responsibility.

How do these relationships usually turn out? In a word, poorly. That’s because bad boys won’t change unless they want to—no matter how long-suffering their partner might be. Further, despite initial attraction, most women get tired of bailing a man out of jail, wondering if he’ll make it home from a party, or catching him with another woman. Women who sign on with bad boys enlist for endless conflict and turmoil. Ironically, the very thing that draws good girls and bad boys together is usually their undoing. Many women have learned the hard way that bad boys make bad dating partners–and even worse spouses.

5 Things it’s NOT Okay to Ask on a First Date

In an effort to get to know your date, you turn the conversation to him or her, firing off seemingly innocuous questions. Or are they? Surprisingly, some people don’t know the difference between appropriate dinner conversation and what should be left for, well…never.

There are many questions that can flit through one’s mind on a first date, but whether or not they should make the journey from your brain to your mouth is debatable.

So if you’re hoping to get to date number two – or out of date number one alive – here are 5 things it’s NOT okay to ask over dessert…

1) “So, What’s your Wedding Timeline?”

If we can declare a dating rule right now, it’s that you should try to keep the tone light during the first few months of courtship. Asking about wedding timeframes, life plans and relationship roadmaps on the first date puts too much pressure on the other person, and frankly, that’s pretty personal stuff to share with a virtual stranger.

There are plenty of other ways to figure out whether or not your date is serious about settling down without asking them straight out. Assess their lifestyle. Does he or she have a steady job? Have they been in the area a long time or do they move from place to place? A person who’s ready to settle down is usually pretty settled in the first place.

2) “How Old are You?”

Confronted once again with endless images of airbrushed perfection, you can easily forget that real people really age. Not everyone races for the Botox and hair dye at the first sign of a few wrinkles and gray hair; instead, many prefer to embrace the passing of time and consider each crease a testament to the lives they’ve lived.

3) “What are you into…in the Bedroom?”

Asking intimate questions about a veritable stranger’s sex life on the first date is far too forward. If you want someone to open up to you, the person needs to feel comfortable with you, and first dates are rarely THAT comfortable. A person’s sexual desires and needs are deeply intimate; come across too brash and you’ll seem bullish and intrusive…and possibly just plain perverted too.

4) “Can I Borrow $1,000?”

It’s one thing not carrying enough cash with you for dinner, but a whole other story if you start treating your new date as a loan service. While not everyone’s looking to bag him- or herself a millionaire, people are still attracted to those who at least appear to be capable of looking after themselves. If you come across like a mooch looking to convert your new beau into a retirement plan, then you’re unlikely to make it to date two.

5) “Where have you Been all my Life?”

Hopefully you’ll find your date both fascinating and desirable, and fleetingly it may even flit through your mind that he or she could be “the one.” This is all very good news: however, try not to blurt it out before the waiter’s brought water to the table. Most of us take a little longer than a nanosecond to realize we’ve found our one true love: if you’ve fast-tracked the process, make sure to give your date a little time to catch up.

Eight Signs You May Not Be Ready for a Relationship

I know what you’re thinking right now. “Of course, I’m ready for a relationship. It’s what I’ve been waiting so long for! I just need to know how I can get one started!”

Well, I’m certainly not arguing that you want a real relationship. I’m asking if you’re ready for a real relationship. That one’s tough to answer, because it entails really looking at yourself and your beliefs, attitudes and behaviors in a real, open, and honest way. And that’s never easy.

One thing I can tell you is that I’ve been there. I’ve been in that spot where all I could think about was how I so wanted a real relationship, with all of the affection, understanding, support and love that comes with it. And that’s when I asked myself this very same question and I realized that I didn’t like the answer. I had some major changing to do. So how do you know if you’re ready for a relationship before you start one with either the wrong guy or Mr. Right at the wrong time?

If you’re showing any of these warning signs, it means you have some work to do on yourself before you can be in a healthy, happy relationship with someone else:

1. Your compass is not pointing north. Your great-guy compass is off. It’s consistently pointing you to the wrong type of guy. This typically happens because you’re subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship from the beginning by choosing a guy who’s not actually relationship material.

Your friends and family have warned you that he’s a player, or a loser, or a (enter your favorite derogatory term for a bad boyfriend here) but you’ve written them off, believing that you’re going to be the one woman that can change him into the perfect partner. No, the truth is that inside you know you won’t change him, and that’s actually fine with you because you subconsciously fear a deep relationship.

2. You need a man to feel happy. You feel miserable unless you’re coupled up. If you get an invite to a party or event, and you don’t have a man to bring, then you’re likely to make up an excuse, send your regrets, pass up the night out and sit at home feeling sorry for yourself because you are “oh, so alone.”

Then, you spend the entire night Googling “best places to meet men” and reading articles about what men find attractive instead of doing something that would make you happy (like going to the party you were invited to.) The truth is that if you did meet a great guy while in this mindset, you’d hold on so tight so quickly that you’d most likely strangle the relationship anyway. Find what makes you happy before you’re in a relationship, then find someone to share that happiness with.

3. You believe you can save him. Many women have a savior complex and they find themselves a project guy. What this really means is that they’re looking for dysfunction so that they have the drama in their lives that they subconsciously crave. It may stem from a variety of sources but the end result is that you will wind up with exactly what you’re looking for, a real project. Which, when translated means someone with some serious personal problems of their own. These problems should be left to the trained professionals. Don’t try to be a therapist.

4. You’re looking for someone to save you. If your self-talk sounds something like “I’m such a mess” or “Why am I so insecure sometimes?” then you need to get that taken care of before you can be in a relationship. Otherwise, you’ll either attract a partner that has the savior complex (see above) or you’ll attract a partner with the same issues. And as much as misery loves company, misery plus misery doubles the misery. Don’t go there.

5. You’re looking for someone to complete you. Yes, it’s true. Back in the day, I loved the movie Jerry Maguire as much as all of the other teary-eyed girls in the theater, but the truth is, as much as “you complete me” sounds so romantic, it should actually be “you complement me.” If you’re not a whole person to begin with then the only thing you’ll be completing is your part in a completely dysfunctional relationship. And while that may still make for a good movie (think: As Good as it Gets), it’s no fun in real life.

6. You’re spending more time pursuing love than pursuing your interests.  I realize that in order to meet men you need to get out there and be sociable, whether “out there” means the local ski club or the local web scene and I’m all for that. In fact, I highly recommend it. But if you’re not actively pursuing your own interests at the same time, then there’s a problem. If you’re thinking to yourself right now, “The only thing I’m interested in is meeting a man,” then you’re in the deep.

As I’ve said before, the best way to meet the right Mr. Right is by doing things and going places that you’d do or go to anyway, even if there was no chance of meeting a man. So, if you find yourself on Saturday nights obsessing over and constantly tweaking every word on your online dating profile, then you’re wasting valuable time that you could be spending pursuing your own interests. If you don’t have any interests, then you aren’t very interesting and that means that you’re hoping a guy will add interest to your life. He won’t because he won’t stick around long enough to.

7. You haven’t unpacked your baggage. If you find yourself still dealing with the emotional scars left from the shrapnel of a previous breakup, particularly if you’re still feeling angry then you need to finish your emotional healing before starting a new relationship. Many women believe that a man, sometimes any man, will get their mind off of their ex and into a better place. The problem is that it never really works. What it will do is keep your mind off of the man that you’re now starting a relationship with, cause you to feel guilty, cause him (and maybe you, too) to feel resentful, and generally make a big mess for everyone. Leave the rebounding to the basketball players.

8. You’re bending and twisting yourself like a pretzel to fit what you think the person you’re attracted to might like. If you find yourself trying to be something other than what you naturally are, then it’s a major red flag. This was one of the biggest problems I had in my own dating career, as I pretended to be a skier or a big golf fan when in reality I hadn’t even had an interest in either until I was attracted to a guy who did.

If you find that you’re often trying to change something about yourself thinking it will make you more attractive to the guy you just met, then you are, like I was, lacking in self-esteem and confidence in yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself, this is very common but it means that you need to work on finding and loving the real you before trying to love someone else.

If any of the above sound like you, then you need to start looking inward and making some changes to your life in order to get yourself ready to be with someone else. The good news? Once you have these licked, you will be ready for a real relationship. And then you’ll be in good emotional shape to start attracting the kind of man that you want to be in a relationship with, and he’ll want to be in a relationship with you too.

Why? Because you’ll both be emotionally healthy. So, when Mr. Right does walk into your life, you’ll both be in the right state of mind, in the right place, at the right time. And it doesn’t get any more right than that.